The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
