I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
