I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
