John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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