Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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