I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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