I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
