My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
