Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
