i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
