Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize