Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
