if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
