When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
