She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
