My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
