I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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