I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
