You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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