Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
