He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
