I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
