I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
