I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
