Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
