These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
