my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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