Someone shit on the floor
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
