last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
