guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
