a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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