Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
