He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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