i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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