all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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