Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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