If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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