I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
