Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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