I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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