apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
