I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
