mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
