i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
