went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
