I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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