My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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