I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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