birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
