I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
