I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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