3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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