The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
