How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize