Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize