There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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