I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
