We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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