I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
