I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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