So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Randomize
