dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
