I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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